It's Not Their Fault

Turning Blame Into Freedom

For most of my life, I had blamed my past for the pains, setbacks, and inner turmoil that I had carried with me from early on. As a child or even moving into my teens, it was nearly impossible to properly process or understand what I had experienced and observed. The wounds eventually became part of my story, overriding my behaviours, my emotions, and perceptions as I was left cast adrift to experience life through the scars that ran deep within.

Resentment was part of my story. I was resentful of how I was treated and the experiences that caused unbearably deep pain and immense shocks to my system. At any moment of the day, memories would arise, triggering deep emotions that would take on a life of their own, casting blame for my life’s misery. I blamed my family, life, relationships, and even myself. Anything I could point my finger at. And I hated it. I hated being angry and resentful. I wanted peace. Yet I couldn’t shake the memories and emotions that ran deep.

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On a quest to improve myself and ease the pain, I dedicated years to meditation, yoga, therapy, diet and fitness, and studying all that I could get my hands on about wellbeing and mindfulness. Yet still, I would be continually reminded of my deeper pains through a passing memory, family or relational interactions, or when facing a difficult challenge. My triggers were explosive, damaging, and completely out of control, setting me back beyond what words can describe.

Why couldn’t I find peace?

The turning point for me was when I began to understand patterns. Not from a place of being them, but from a place of observing them. I'm referring to the patterns that are passed down from generation to generation, the ones created through societal conditioning, the ones we have felt but have not integrated. The ones that became our story but aren't part of our truth.

One has to be brave enough to look at their life differently. To question, reflect, and be real about themselves. Shifting from blame to accountability can be difficult! Our ego does not want to be wrong. It wants to hold on to the story formed from wounds, protection, and the familiar.

The game-changer for me was not the mindfulness techniques, although they temporarily gave relief. It came from looking at myself and relationships differently. From taking ownership of my emotions and behaviours, not by suppressing or avoiding them, but by being curious enough to find out where they came from. The why.

From there, it opened a whole new way of understanding life, including new perspectives, new pathways, greater ease and flow, and the inner peace I had long been searching for.

The energetic weight began to fall away, I became less reactive and more understanding, and most importantly, I freed myself.

I also began to understand the mirroring effect of how relationships of all kinds mirror what we dislike most or avoid within ourselves, and how they reinforce our limiting beliefs.

So, with that, it’s not their fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s not even your fault.

Life is comprised of experiences that we get to alter, bend, transform, and create. If we get stuck in a bad story, we aren’t allowing ourselves to create something new by understanding the contrast of forgiveness, peace, and understanding; the paradox.

Patterns get passed down and thrown around. It’s up to you to observe the pattern and break it. And by doing so, you’ll not only heal and transform your life, but you will also become more empowered by breaking the chains of imprisonment to change the course of history for lifetimes to follow.

When patterns and beliefs are broken, the relationships that once held blame will change. Trust me, I have experienced it firsthand. The ones that have caused the greatest pain won’t occupy space within yourself anymore. They may even balance out in harmony, or you will simply be able to carry on in a more peaceful existence, cultivating new relationships that harmonize with your true self and way of being.

Here are some points that helped me look at relationships differently and create radical shifts in my perspective and my life.

How to turn blame into change:

1. Carefully observe what the other person is saying or doing to you.
For example, if someone is treating you poorly or with disrespect, reflect on how those traits, actions, or words live within yourself.

• Do you respect yourself? Are you critical of yourself? Do you value yourself? Do you feel you deserve quality and meaningful relationships?

• How you feel about yourself is what the other person is trying to show you.

2. Understand the wounds the other person is carrying.
Often, others are acting from their own unhealed pain, shaped by their past experiences and survival patterns. Recognizing this doesn’t excuse poor behaviour, but it helps create emotional distance and compassion, freeing you from personalizing their actions.

3. Use the dynamic as an opportunity to improve yourself.
Every interaction is feedback. Let it reveal what still needs your attention — where you’re holding resentment, where you may abandon yourself, or where your boundaries need strengthening.

4. Observe yourself.
Look at yourself from an outside lens. How do you hold your posture, your voice, your self-care? How do you respond externally to situations? Who do you let into your life and why?

5. By shifting your perspective through the lens of compassion and curiosity,
you become more present, more empowered, and less reactive. You start to see your relationships not as problems to fix, but as invitations to meet yourself more honestly. This is where real healing begins, from within.

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Listening Through the Layers: Understanding Ear Issues

This week inside the Body Codex, we turn inward to the ears, more than just organs of sound, they are gateways to how we receive, process, and sometimes block what life is trying to tell us. Ear problems often signal deeper emotional patterns: truths we fear to hear, feelings we resist acknowledging, and survival strategies born from past pain.

In this episode, I guide you through gentle, embodied practices to reconnect with your inner listening. Together, we’ll explore how to soften defences, shift unconscious patterns, and cultivate the courage to truly hear yourself and the world with clarity and compassion.

What ear challenges symbolize:

• Avoidance of difficult or painful truths

• Heightened sensitivity to criticism and negativity

• Fear of being unseen or misunderstood

• Feelings of isolation and internal rejection

• A need to control what is heard and said

• Emotional overwhelm causes selective listening or shutdown

• Disconnection from your authentic voice and inner guidance

Drawing from Dr. Michael Lincoln’s insights on denial-based survival patterns, this episode invites you to open your ears and heart, not only to external sound but to the deeper truths within. It’s a call to reclaim your power to listen with presence, honesty, and self-compassion.

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With care
~Tara

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